The Cancer Journal #36

I haven’t written for a while because what’s been happening seems too personal and I don’t want to share it. Not that more than a few people will read it, but still. Today, however, I decided to write an entry because so much is heavy and weighing on me.

Y had passed into another phase. About two weeks ago he started spending most of his time in bed, and this progressed downhill to where he now cannot sit up without someone pulling him up, cannot stand or barely walk, has difficulty breathing and talking, and is in constant discomfort while at the same time refuses to take pain meds. My grandson has to pick him up and take him back to bed when he goes to the bathroom, although now he is mostly using Depends, and both the toilet and the Depends has a lot of blood from his urine.

We called his doctor and asked about euthanasia. It’s legal here in California. We made a phone appointment for Y on Friday to discuss it with his doctor. From what I understand, he has to be alone when talking to his doctor. I guess the doctor wants to make sure he isn’t being coerced. If the talk goes well, he has to wait two days and talk to his doctor again. There may even be a third time but I’m not sure. Every day, Y asks what day it is and how long he has to wait for the poison, as he calls it. It is so hard writing this.

Okay, I need to change the subject. What are the good things that are happening in my life?

Right now, I can’t think of a damned thing, nor can I write anymore.

The Cancer Journal #35

I did something really nice for myself. I signed up for an online course in publishing. I have finished a major draft of my most recent novel, and actually just got it back today from my editor. Yes, there’s a lot of revising to do, but her comments were mostly positive. Anyway, finishing it led me to sign up for the publishing class, and Thursday night I went on Zoom for the first session, and I’ve spent hours doing homework the past two days, researching publishers who might be interested in my book, and today I visited a bookstore as part of the assignment. And I’m alive inside and I’m in the world.

I noticed how good I felt about myself after the class on Thursday night. For the last four and a half months my sole focus has been on taking care of Y, and feeling the exhaustion, both emotional and physical, that comes with taking care of a terminally ill person. I felt like I existed again, a part of me anyway, and I wasn’t just someone with panic attacks and bouts of crying.

I looked really cute this afternoon at the bookstore. I did my hair and put on makeup – I love makeup – and wore these great tweedy pedal pushers and a chic fleece jacket with them and the sun was out and I was walking down the busy street with lots of others and the energy was high. I thought: This is me, I’m out here.

All of a sudden I felt a panic attack coming on. Tears formed in my eyes and I started walking quickly back to my car. All I could think of was how sick Y is, how yesterday he said he had nothing to live for. He has no energy. He’s so weak. He can barely walk up the stairs. And how he now has pain near his ribcage and he thinks it’s the cancer spreading.

I sat in my car. I couldn’t stop crying. It just seemed so unfair. Unfair that this has happened to him. Unfair that he is skin and bones. Unfair that even though he knows he has cancer, he still doesn’t understand what’s happening to him.

I’m crying as I write this.

The Cancer Journal #34

I haven’t been writing much here for a few reasons. One, I’m thoroughly exhausted, and two, I get tired of recounting bad news. So today I thought I’d write about what I like in my life…

I like that I got the news that the latest novel I’ve written is a finalist in the San Francisco Writers Conference contest for 2024. The winner will be announced in January, I believe. I don’t expect to win, would quite frankly be shocked as I rarely win contests but am good at being a finalist. I paid to go to the conference because I want to go sit at the table with the other finalists in the big hall and we’ll be introduced to the rest of the people at the conference – that’s the real reason I’m going. I only get to talk to one agent and have to pay extra for that, although there will be other agents wandering about. What I really need is a pitch conference where I have the opportunity to pitch my novel to several agents but I think the San Francisco conference will be fun and I like the big energy there – I’ve been twice before.

What else do I like? Well, during the past two days when I’ve walked Tiger I’ve put on Donna Summer’s extended version of Mc Arthur Park on my phone (it’s about 18 minutes long) and Tiger and I have been doing a power walk up and down the steep hills in Golden Gate Heights without stopping. It really tires him out – this is just part of our walk – we usually walk between two and four miles daily – and tires me out also. The weather here has been nice – we have Indian summer in SF – which means it’s in the high 60 or even 70s. These walks are when I solve a lot of my problems, or let go of them. Walking for me is therapy…

One more thing – what do I like? Well, I’ve been watching And Just Like That, the reboot of Sex and the City, and although it can nowhere compare to SATC, I’m enjoying it. Especially Charlotte and Harry. I only have five more episodes to go and am spacing them out because once it’s over, it’s over, and I can’t stand that!!!